We almost didn’t have her. I shudder now at the thought.
Shortly after the birth of our third daughter, I remember thinking that I was so done. Even though I am one of those lucky women who has easy pregnancies (if there is such a thing), I was ready to put that phase of life behind me. I didn’t want to get big again. I didn’t think I had it in me to go through childbirth one more time. I just couldn’t take another round of sleepless nights.
And I certainly didn’t think I could handle being responsible for the life of yet one more little person.
This mom was MAXED OUT.
Looking back (when my third daughter was a newborn, and my other girls were ages 4 and 2), that was the hardest stage of my life, hands-down. With a husband who worked crazy hours and traveled incessantly, I was continually alone and yet never alone. The constancy of being needed all at one time by three people (and even the dog) often left me feeling suffocated. It seemed like I spent my days preparing food, feeding my (messy) kids, and then cleaning it up… only to repeat the cycle just as it finished. My daily life had become an exhausting circle of mundane repetition.
But it got easier.
Before I knew it, there were no more diapers to change. Soon they could all dress themselves, and they were becoming more independent all the time. They could help clear the dishes and make their beds. They would buzz around our house as a little unit (the beauty of having all girls perhaps?), and as they busied themselves, I found that I could actually get some things done now while they were even awake! One went off to kindergarten… and then another… I was finding more time for myself, time to catch my breath amidst the chaos of raising a family, and I felt like I was finally coming out of the fog that moms with young kids know all too well.
And then a crazy thing happened.
I began thinking about having another baby.
I couldn’t believe I was considering starting all over again. I mean, I was almost “free” since my third would be in kindergarten soon. What was I thinking?!
Even my husband, who was definitely more “done” than I was, seemed suddenly ready to add another little person to our family. In fact, he’s the one who first brought it up. That’s all it took. Him cracking that door open set my mind racing. (Some of his friends, meanwhile, were telling him to “shut that door! Shut that door quick, Buddy!!”) :)
Being the pragmatist that I am, I started pouring over the Internet, in search of parents describing what life was really like with four kids. I didn’t have much luck there, so I began asking those I knew with four (or more) kids to tell me about their experiences. (Did they feel overwhelmed? Was it impossible to get everyone to where they needed to go all the time?) I also spoke with older friends whose kids were grown and gone… did they ever wish they’d had more children? This was not a decision I (we) wanted to make lightly. Having another baby would change everything. Forever.
For months my thoughts swirled. Would I be able to handle four kids? What if I had twins?! Are we pushing our luck after being blessed with three healthy children? If we had a boy, how would that change our family dynamic? If we had a girl, would that create two “pairs” or would all four girls be close? How would our girls’ relationships change if we gave them another sibling?
But mostly, this thought consumed me: If we had one more baby, would I become a stressed-out, lesser mom to the children I already had? Was that fair to my three daughters? I often felt stretched-thin just among my three kids; how would I be able to give four children everything they need?
Despite my doubts, I kept feeling that pull… I just couldn’t shake the baby bug.
Ultimately, after much back and forth, my husband and I finally decided that if we were talking about another baby this much, perhaps something was left unfinished for our family. And then along came daughter #4.
She turns two this week. Now I can’t believe she was ever a question in our minds.
I feared that her arrival would coincide with me feeling like a failure as a mother. Surprisingly, she has brought me more peace than I ever could have imagined.
Compared to my first three girls where I was determined to be Supermom, I have done everything “wrong” with this one. As a newborn, she basically slept in my arms all night, feeding whenever she felt like it. Whereas I was once the schedule police, my youngest ate and slept at different times every day. When it was time to give her solid foods, I fed her fruits before vegetables (gasp!), and I never waited the recommended 2-3 days to see if she had an allergic reaction (she never did) before moving methodically onto the next food. Now as a toddler, she watches episodes of Dora and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse like it’s her job. And forget taking her to gymnastics or music classes. I only take this one to Target.
In many ways, her first two years have been a free-for-all, but she is a well-adjusted, sweet and happy little girl. And I know that I have never been happier myself; we have never been happier as a family. One daughter said recently, “Mom, I feel like we laugh a lot more since the baby was born.” She’s right – we do.
Having one last baby (after a 5-year gap) has actually calmed me as a mother, not the other way around, as I’d feared and expected. Even though there is obviously more to do and one more person to worry about (although the older kids are a huge help with their baby sister!), just about everything rolls off my back now. As a new mom, on the other hand, I’d been such a control freak that even the smallest mishap could rattle me. It’s so much easier to find the humor in the mess-making, food-throwing, and even the tantrums this time around. I know none of it will last forever; my older girls have shown me that. (When did my 11-year-old get so grown up anyhow?) I’ve learned to see past the exasperation and zero in on the entertainment of it all. I used to find myself so frustrated by the constant lack of cooperation (you can’t reason with a toddler!), but now it really doesn’t even take much effort to just shrug my shoulders at whatever catastrophe she’s bringing about.
Since my fourth daughter arrived, I no longer feel like I’m trying to prove to the world (or to myself) that I’m going to be one superstar mom. There is no Supermom, I now know. There are only women who are doing their best to raise good people. Perhaps that realization has come simply with age and maturity (and not because I had another baby), but either way, I feel like I have turned a corner on that front. I’m much more forgiving of myself as a parent these days. I once was paranoid about doing everything “right”, but I can see now that even when you do most everything “wrong” (as I have with #4), your children can still thrive. In fact, allowing them to see you make mistakes and not taking life too seriously is beneficial in its own right. There is more than one way to do everything.
Since my older daughters now pull me in so many directions with school and activities and life, it’s easy to feel like it’s all passing us by without a second thought. We often get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life that we forget to really live in the moment. Having a baby around again has changed that for me (and for all of us). The enjoyment she gets from the simple things is contagious. Her sweet request to play pulls me from the dishes in an instant. The laundry can wait if it means having her scoot backwards into my lap so we can snuggle and read a book. I will set anything aside to have her run, giggling, back and forth between my husband and me, as she dives into our arms on each end.
As a result, her innocence has also helped me to feel more in tune with my older girls. I make an effort to pause more to really enjoy some quality moments with them, even if that’s just having an extended conversation at bedtime. I feel like I have more patience with them these days, as their baby sister reminds me that they were tiny and helpless not so long ago themselves. I try not to expect quite so much; after all, they’re still kids, too.
Our last baby girl has truly been a gift in every way. I had been so worried about the stress and the responsibility she would bring that I had forgotten how fun it is to have a baby around. She has helped me refocus at this stage of my life. It’s almost like she jarred me awake (both literally and figuratively!), and I feel like she’s given me a new awareness of life’s most precious moments.
Getting the chance to experience it all once more in this lifetime – to feel her moving inside me, to hug her tight before laying her down in her crib, to watch her as her young eyes find wonder in everything she sees– it brings me joy that’s hard to describe. I find myself appreciating things like this in a way that I didn’t before. I feel like she was sent to me – to all of us – for a reason.
If you, too, are thinking about having one more baby, obviously your experience may be drastically different than mine. There are no parallel lives. When my daughter was born, her sisters were 9, 7, and nearly 5. (Perhaps this post might be very different if they had been 5, 3, and 1!) I can’t say enough about how helpful and happily involved my older girls have been, and I’m sure that’s partially why my experience has been so positive as I went from a mom of three to a mom of four.
With that said, there are certainly moments when I do, in fact, feel completely overwhelmed. The kitchen is rarely clean, and the amount of laundry this family of six accumulates is indeed impressive. We eat more takeout than ever before. I have yet to find a way to be two places at once or to grow another set of hands. My belly is even softer now after being stretched out and back yet one more time. But I don’t let these things bother me like I used to. They are the small things. One small thing herself reminded me of that.
Our decision to have one more baby really has changed everything for our family – for the better.
As a mother, I’ve never felt more content.
I’ve never known this kind of joy.
And I’ve certainly never felt more love.
…………………………
Read more of my “from the heart” posts here:
I Can Feel It Happening – My Daughter is Slipping Away
Hello Preschool. Hello Mom Freedom!
Thoughts on Moving: Missing Home and Finding it Again
Thank You Could Never Be Enough: The Liver Transplant that Saved My Mom’s Life
Don’t Be a Hater: Support Your Fellow Women
If you struggled with this same decision: what did you decide and why? What’s your experience been like? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below. I’m sure so many readers would benefit from hearing what you have to say!
If you’d like to keep up with me and my blog, please follow along via Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, or you can sign up for my monthly newsletter in the footer of my site! :)
Click here to see how we revealed our daughter’s name to her older sisters with a scavenger hunt. So much fun!
While “3 is the magic number” 4 kids is the perfect balance in our home. With a mix of 2 boys and 2 girls, there are constant shifts in interests, abilities, and allegiances, but generally everyone looks out for one another and there is NEVER a dull moment. That being said, I still feel like a mother duck when I have all 4 of them in tow…and have fielded lots of questions over the years…such as, “were they all planned?” “are you mormon/catholic?” and “how do you do it?” I wouldn’t trade any of them in.well, not most days anyway!! ; )
Too funny about all the questions you get as a mom of four. We get those, too, as well as “Were you trying for a boy?”. (No, we were trying for a healthy baby!) :) Thanks for sharing a bit about your experience, Becky!
Thank you for writing this! I am a mom of 4 by choice too. We have a 10-son, 8-son, 6-daughter, and a 4-son. I felt the exact same way you did after child number 3 –totally done. But the oldest went to kindergarten, our second is so independent, and my daughter was such a good baby we decided to add one more. Our “baby” has been such a source of joy and has made us focus on the little things and to slow down. He is the perfect combination of all of the older children. I too have become a better mother and way more relaxed (maybe age and maturity do factor in too). I love watching them and seeing their relationships with each other grow. I have let go of the notion that a perfectly clean house and having everything “look” perfect makes me a better mom. The dishes and laundry are never ending but it is all worth it! My cousin once asked me how I do it all and I told them the same way they do it with their 2 kiddos I just do it a few more times. :) Thank you! I have really enjoyed your posts!
Lindsay, it sounds like we have so much in common! Our youngest is a combination of our older girls as well, and she really brings everyone together. They can be bickering, and then our little one will be nearby doing something funny… pretty soon they will all be laughing at her and the “fight” is over. She really diffuses so much stress rather than the other way around. I never would have expected it to be like that! Thanks for sharing a glimpse into your life. :) So glad you’re following along here at my blog!
We have 4 too. All planned from before we got married. They are 9, 7, 5 and 2 (boy, girl, boy, girl). Our youngest is such a ray of joy, I believe we just needed her. It relaxes us more having a little one around, they are so full to fun. It slows us down and it is so good for the older siblings to teach her things. It is nice to have slightly older kids who can play with the baby for 10 minutes here or there so you can get things done. ALSO, we are loving how the older ones are able to help us around the house. Some weeks I barely do any laundry myself because the oldest can wash, dry and fold. My 5 year old is my star towel folder and now my 2 year old loves to help me set the table (the safe items anyway). It helps too that the 2 oldest can take their own showers. I think I’m the only one, but to me bath time was always such a chore (I think because I didn’t have/take the time to let them just have fun in there). Enjoy your children!
Thanks for the note, Eunice! I agree about bathtime. Especially when you are bathing multiple children, it really can feel like such a chore each night. I know parents look back and recall their children frolicking happily in the tub, but there have been plenty of times when my girls have wanted no part of the hair-washing! It’s awful to force that part on them, but you have to get the soap out somehow! :( So yes, once my older kids could shower, it really did feel like a weight had been lifted! And I agree, too, about how a new baby helps the older kids learn to contribute more to all that needs to be done. I feel like our family is more of a “team” now than ever before. Enjoy your four cuties! So glad you found me and my blog! :)
Hi HH!
Great article! My husband has always wanted four kids, all right in a row. Number 3 is due the day before Mothers’ Day this year, in fact, and right before my first child’s third birthday. (Number 2 will be 18 months in a couple weeks.)
I have been ready to be “done” since my second was born (I was still sitting in the birthing tub at that point, in fact!). I, too, have had simple, easy-going pregnancies, thanks be to God. I asked DH if we could be done after this next boy is born, and though he said “okay”, I knew in his heart he was still longing for four.
Then I read an article about how many moms of four are MUCH less stressed than moms of three, and decided that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
Now that we are on the brink of having a third, I AM discussing birth control options with my husband for after the fourth comes, but I am happily resigned to the fact that our family will be incomplete without the fourth child.
You article only encourages me more!
— Stevie :)
PS — I’ll be in touch soon.
I would love to see actual articles on that!
Hi Stevie! Best of luck with the new baby coming soon… so exciting! Sure sounds like you have your hands full! When we first got married, we always said we’d have 3 or 4 kids, but when I got to 3, I was like, “No way. I am so done. I am going to lose myself if we have one more…” I literally could not have handled another one back then without losing my mind. Not until they all got older did I feel ready, and even then, I surprised even myself by my desire to have one more. Your family will turn out just as it’s meant to over time… just listen to your heart! :) Good luck and thanks for the note!
I had 3 children from my first marriage ages 5, 7, and 9 and my husband had two from his first marriage ages 10 and 13 when our little medical miracle made his appearance. We were so very done and had ZERO intention of having any more children.
But, our little Peanut, who turned 6 this last December, has been the greatest joy in our lives. He cemented our family of his and mine into ours. I’ve found myself in the same position as you-a lot more relaxed with him than my first three. I’ve stayed home with him since he was born so he has been my constant companion. He has made me a better mother, and has brought so much joy into this house.
No, Peanut wasn’t planned, but I have never regretted having another baby.
Thanks for sharing a glimpse into your life, Missy. I love how your little one ended up being the best surprise ever. I’m sure you look at him everyday and think, “What would we do without you?” Take care! By the way, I peeked at your blog, too. Good stuff over there! :)
This post comes at such an apropos time for me as I just recently found out I am pregnant with #4. We were 80% sure we were done when we found out the surprising news. I have a 6.5 year old girl, 4 year old girl, and 2.5 year old boy. I was finally starting to feel like I had some freedom as my son is going to preschool a few hours a week. He is newly potty trained so I was a thrilled with the prospect of no more diapers. For the first time in nearly 7 years, I feel like I get a pretty good night’s sleep most nights of the week. And, after 2.5 years of working hard on my post-baby belly, I was 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight after lots of dieting and trips to the gym. I was planning on heading back to work soon (Columbia Grad who thought raising a family is fantastic but I am feeling like my brain has slowly turned to mush from not using parts of it for so long). Now, I feel somewhat trapped by the idea of breast feeding, waking up, more doctor visits and more laundry. I know I will love the baby as much as the other three but am feeling a bit depressed as of late. Thank you for your positivity about #4. It is starting to make me feel less down.
Hi Colleen! I can completely understand everything you are saying. When we first got married, we thought we’d have 3 or 4 kids, but after 3, I felt just like you do now. I just didn’t think I could give it one more go. I was ready to get “myself” back. But little did I know that my fourth would give me a better version of myself in the end. Our days are busy for sure, but on the whole, our house is happier now than ever before. I bet your oldest, in particular, will really take on a motherly role. She will probably even change diapers, believe it or not. The older two will be able to help keep an eye on the baby while you make dinner, shower, etc. It really is a whole new world when there is even a bit of an age gap. I have no doubt that when you get past the sleepless nights and you settle into life with four, you will know that your surprise was the best thing that ever could have happened! Best of luck!! xo
Beautiful family. God bless you. My wife and I have 6 children; 4 girls, 2 boys. All planned and received with great joy. They are all amazing and wonderful. We discovered that life got easier after the 4th one arrived. Today, our three oldest daughters are married to wonderful men, and our oldest daughter just had her first baby, a son. We are not empty-nesters yet as we have our 20 year old son at home attending college, a 15 year daughter, and a 12 year old son who was the caboose. We can’t imagine our family without anyone of them. I had always known we would have six children and my wife felt that four would be a good number. After she had our 3rd, she confessed to me that six sounds like a good number. :-)
Hi Peter! Thanks for the note. I agree that after the fourth, something clicked for me, and life felt strangely more manageable for some reason?! (Maybe that’s because that meant the older kids were more self-sufficient at that point! And also because I stopped caring about having everything in order at all times, which gave me time back in my day.) We are done, but a part of me can see why people want to continue to grow their family at this stage. There is just so much love and camaraderie! It certainly sounds like your family embodies those qualities. Enjoy!
We actually have 7 kids. Crazy, I know:-) Congratulations for following your heart and your gut and being the kind of woman we can all look up to :-)
You are so sweet, Maren. Thank you. Seven kids–that is busy, but I’m sure it’s a blast, too! Your house is surely filled with much love and chaos. What a fun way for your kids to grow up! Take care, and thanks for taking a second to leave me a note!
First time to your blog and I am hooked. LOVE this post. It is so much that I have felt, just having had my 5th and last child. The first few months were a little rough (aren’t they always), but a midst the chaos, and once I let go of trying to be everything I thought I should be, I haven’t smiled, laughed and ENJOYED being the mother I am in a long time. She reminds me of the little magical beauties that life provides and helps me remember to take it all in. Thanks for the awesome reminder. ;)
Aw, love your note. Thank you! Sounds like we have a lot in common. I’m glad my words resonated with you. Enjoy baby #5, and all those who came before her, too! So glad you found me and my blog! :) Take care!
Our stories are so similar! Only a few differences. I have two boys and two girls, and there was a 6 year gap between number 3 and 4. But every feeling you expressed and every thought you shared were like they were coming from my own head. I remember when the three were all little, it was honestly the hardest time of my life so I freaked out when we talked about number four. She has been and has brought nothing but joy and fun. I too wonder if its just how it worked out, or a product of my age and more relaxed not as controlling behavior, and I don’t know the answer, I just know that there is so much joy and laughter because of number 4. My husband and I always say she’s the best decision we ever made! :) (I always knew I wanted at least 3 so they weren’t a decision of if, just when.) One more difference: we decided to go for it and will welcome number 5 this summer! I hope we don’t upset the balance! ;) Wish us luck!
Heather, I love this note! We always say that our #4 is the best decision we ever made, too, for that same reason–she was the only one who was ever an “if” because we were so sure about all the others. So fun that your #4 even reminded you of how great it all is that you went for one more. We are done, but honestly, there’s a part of me that could keep going. I just love all the chaos and fun that a little one brings (well, most of the time)! :) Best of luck! I have no doubt that #5 will be yet another perfect addition to what sounds like one special family!
What a great post. I loved reading it as I nursed my fourth baby. I completely agree with you that our fourth changed me as a mother and our home for the better! A fifth child just might be in our future (years from now).
Hi Sara! Congrats on your fourth! Such a special time in life. Enjoy her and perhaps #5 one day as well! :) Thanks for the note! I’m glad my words resonated with you.
One of my friends shared this post on FB and I’m so glad glad I clicked through. I’m pregnant with my third after an 11 year gap and so many of the same questions have been going through my mind. We didn’t plan this baby but we weren’t preventing either. We just couldn’t make the decision to move ahead until it was made for us. We live and travel in an RV fulltime (by choice…it’s awesome) so I’ve been a worried how we are going to make it work but I know somehow it will be just fine and your post helped to solidify that thought. Thank you!
Wow, Jenn! Sounds like life is one big adventure for you. I love it! So neat that your family can travel and see the world, and your home comes right along with you! What an amazing way for your kids to grow up! I have no doubt that all of you will be so in love with your new baby, even your older kids. I must say that it’s pretty awesome. We all can’t get enough of our little one! All the best to you! :) So glad you found me and my blog!
So, I am fourth in a family of seven. My youngest and only sister was born seven years after my youngest brother. I know from a sibling’s point of view that things became even more fun and more unifying for us as a family after she was born. It brought us even closer together as we all wanted to care for her, laugh with her, play with her, etc.
Now I am a mom of four beautiful girls, and though I am planning on having more if Heavenly Father allows, I still feel like this last one has changed things for the better. I’m much more relaxed about parenting and not as worried about trying to be supermom like you said. Life is more fun, and I find myself trying to enjoy the little sweet moments. Thanks for this post! I don’t feel that everybody has to have a specific amount of children, but I do feel that the baby bug or strong feelings that tug at our hearts to try to have more children come from God. He wants this special people to have a body, and he wants us to learn and grow and be blessed from being their parents. Anyone who gets the chance to be around and help children will be blessed.
Thanks again for that post!
Well said, Rachel. I think something different is meant for each of us, and we just need to listen to what our heart is telling us. Enjoy your four sweet girls! Fun that we have that in common! Take care and thanks so much for the note. :)
After (well, during) my pregnancy with my second I was DONE. I’m not a good pregnant lady, I only enjoy 3 out of the 9 months of pregnancy. She’s now 3 1/2. For some horrible reason have had this thought in my head of a third. It must be from God because I would never come up with this on my own. But I feel like I’m on a time crunch with how old the youngest is and how old I am (34). But dh isn’t on board in the least. He’s told me he wouldn’t deprive me of what I want, if I really wanted a third but this isn’t a purchase of some kind, this is a child! I feel he needs to be on board! I’m just a big ball of confusion, feeling led but my brain calling attention to what is reality…
Hi Dawn! I couldn’t help but smile when you said “for some horrible reason” you’re thinking of a third. :) Part of your confusion could be attributed to hitting that stage in life where we realize the childbearing stage is behind us. I think there’s so much curiosity to see how our families will turn out, that when we realize our families are complete, we pause for a moment to wonder about it all: Is this what’s meant to be? That’s how it started for me anyhow when I began to think about one more (I was 35). So I had to really ask myself if I wanted another BABY, or if I was simply curious about who would come along if we had one more… as I described in the post, I was so confused for so long, but ultimately, I feel like it all turned out just right for us! I’m sure you’ll feel the same way, too, no matter what direction you go. Best of luck as you sort through your feelings! Take care.
Loved reading this post! Your experience almost perfectly parralels mine, except we’ve been trying four number 4 for over a year. I felt very similar feelings of being unsure whether I could be a good mom to four kids. I have 3 boys now and it is busy (and destructive) nonstop. Your post has given me a sense of peace that we can handle another child and that there is so much more to be gained than to lose:) thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings!
Thanks for the sweet note, Stephanie! I wish you luck as you try for #4. Surely your family will end up perfectly complete, even if your three boys are all the puzzles pieces you need. :) Take care and thanks again for taking a moment to reach out to me. xo
First time to your blog. I ran into it on FB. I have 6 children ages 19, 17, 13, 7, 4, and 2. I love our family size. We have so much fun together, and I would never change a thing. My husband did say that we had to end at 6. So, with this last baby I have been trying to take it all in and soak it all up. She is growing so fast! The only sad thing I can say is that my oldest daughter was home from college a couple weeks ago, and she mentioned she felt like her youngest sister would not know who she was. I’m hoping that when she comes home for the summer that they can spend more time together and strengthen their “sisterly bond” :-)
Hi Andrea! Sounds like you have a busy household! I’m sure it’s chaos but surely you share so much love and laughter! What a fun way for all your kids to grow up. They never had to look far for a playmate (or a role model)! Take care and thanks for taking a moment to leave me a note! :)
My husband is the youngest of 9. He has a good relationship with his older siblings and he loved having a big family. He has fond memories of ways that his oldest siblings found ways to spend time with him. My husband’s oldest brother invited my husband to come stay the night (maybe a few times?) when the brother was newly married. He remembers baking cookies at his oldest sister’s dorm room. His 2nd oldest sister would take him on popsicle or donut runs late at night when she was around. The siblings have all turned out well and communicate regularly, and they make it a point to get EVERYONE together about every year (and many more times in smaller groups) even though they live in several states with their own families to bring to the reunions. I actually just drove my 2 young kids 1100 miles to visit one of his middle brothers and his family (the brother is about 10 years older)!
I have 4 boys… all 2 years apart. We’ve always known we aren’t done but our youngest is now 2 1/2. This is our biggest gap. I think I’ve enjoyed my youngest more at this age more than I did my older boys–because I had a little baby to deal with at this point! We have such a great thing going that I’ve had those same thoughts you discussed–we’re getting to the point where they are getting more and more independent, do we really want to throw a baby in there with all that entails?! And with 4 boys already I think–can I handle a 5th boy?? will I finally get a little girl and what will that do to our rough and tumble house we have going on? (But if a girl will mellow these boys, I’ll take it!)
Hi Jeanine! Thanks for the note. I thought those same things about having #4–what would a boy do to our household (and to the great dynamic my girls shared; I was so worried about disrupting that!)? I also worried about a fourth girl and what that might bring. And what if I had twins or the baby had health issues? I had so many concerns about all the unknowns. I also think some of it was just me struggling with the emotions of knowing that I was closing that chapter in my life. As I describe in the post, there was much confusion for a long, long time as I asked myself a lot of questions to figure out WHY I was feeling the pull for one more. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best! :) Thanks again for reaching out!
Wow! I hope you print and save this post for your sweet little girl to read someday! How lucky she is and all of your girls are to have a mother who loves and appreciates them so much. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the little joys of motherhood and little ones–Heaven knows they go by WAY too fast. I think we all need that sometimes. I know I do! I did today–thank you! I truly believe the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves, and HE obviously knew what you needed in your little baby, and what she needs in you! Your thoughts on raising your girls are a blessing in my home!
Thanks, Bridget. You are too kind, and I love your enthusiasm. :) So glad my words here resonated with you. Take care and thanks again!
I have 3 kids. When my youngest (who is 9 now and we still call the baby) was 6 we tried for a fourth. We weren’t successful. It was hard at first to not get something that seemed so good. But as time has worn on we’ve found a different path for our family.
Your words were beautiful. I experienced something similar with my 3rd–I calmed down. My second had autism and it was tough (your description of fog is so accurate). But my baby brought so much sunshine into our home. My autistic son fell in love with her and even now tries to protect her and teach her. I call my oldest daughter my princess and my youngest my angel–because she saved me from mommy darkness. It is amazing how the addition of a child can change the dynamic of a family. Each is so precious. Thank you again!
Hi DJ! Thank you for sharing a bit about your life. I appreciate your kind words, and I’m so glad what I wrote resonated with you. It sounds like you have a beautiful family yourself and that it turned out just as it was meant to be. :) What you said about “mommy darkness” is so powerful. That word choice really struck me. I think it’s such an accurate description of the stage that so many of us go through, yet we really don’t talk about it. So glad you found my post and my blog! Take care.
I feel like I’m in the “mommy darkness” stage and am afraid to have another because of it. My daughter is 4 and my son is 2. I don’t know what to do :)
Hi Lina! Well, only you know how you’re feeling, but if you categorize yourself as in the “mommy darkness stage”, it definitely doesn’t sound like the best time to add to your family, no matter what “number” you and your husband had in mind when you first started out. For me, having three children ages 4 and under was a real challenge – the hardest time of my life. But things got easier – so much easier, in fact, that we had another baby! :) But we waited almost 5 years before having that next baby. Trust your gut. Only you can know how much you can handle without “losing yourself” along the way. We are all different! :) Good luck!! xo
I would sometimes get frustrated at people who assumed that anything after 2 children wasn’t a deliberate decision, requiring us to consider what another child would mean to us as parents and to our family.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I dream of the day that we celebrate and support families’ decisions – nne child or many; home birth or hospital; breast feed or bottle; home school, public school, or private school – and on and on and on…
I presume that every other mother is just as concerned with the impact her decisions will have on her children and family. Even if her choice is not the one I would make, I’m not in her shoes.
Congratulations on you lovely daughters and the unique qualities they bring to your family. I cannot imagine my family without each and every one of my six children. I could have had less; I could have had more. But for us, six was just right…
So well said, Leslie! The part where you said you dream of the day where we all celebrate and support one other reminded me of this post I wrote after I was criticized by a reader who didn’t approve of my choice to be a stay-at-home mom because I have a Harvard degree. She let me know in no uncertain terms that I was a disgrace not only to myself and women everywhere, but also to Harvard (even saying they would never have admitted me if they knew I’d take my degree and then “just” become a mom). In the post, I describe the same dream that you have. I just wish we could all support one another’s choices, even when they are different from our own. Anyhow, I appreciate the fact that you took a moment to leave me such a nice note. I couldn’t agree more with everything you wrote. Take care and enjoy your beautiful family!
So I have 5 boys!!! I love them to pieces but have really struggled. It is always comforting to hear of others struggles. After my 5th I felt we should add another one but now I’m not sure. I’ve dealt with severe depression since my last. I had some with all and it got increasingly worse after each. My husband doesn’t think my mind and body can handle another one. But that feeling is still there. I also love hearing about other making the choice despite to big age span between kids and hearing that it can work. People keep asking if I’ll try for my girl. I would love one but that is not why I would go for another. What do you ladies think? I know it ultimately is a personal choice but did anyone deal with depression and was that ever a factor in choosing to have another one?
Hi Apryl! Sounds like life is busy with all those little boys running around! Only you can know if growing your family is right for you. For myself, I do love the baby stage, so I think a part of me would want one more even after having 10! There’s just something about a newborn that tugs at my heart. But I know I’m not cut out for 10 kids. :) I was never clinically depressed, but I certainly had plenty of low points when my girls were really young. After my second, when I was feeling particularly rattled (despite the fact that she was such a low-key baby!), I discovered I had developed hypothyroidism. I now take synthroid every day (and have for 8 years now), and I’ve realized that taking it really is imperative to my mood/mindset. I’m a different person when I’m not taking it. I’m a big believer in listening to your body and your heart… when you do that, you’ll be in touch with just how much you can handle! Best of luck with whatever you and your husband decide! Either way, your boys will surely love having one another throughout life. How fun for them to be surrounded by all those brothers! Take care. xo
Wonderful blog! You know I have 4 girls too and our family feels so balanced and complete! I recognize all the hesitation though… I could simply NOT make up my mind about a 4th! We decided to leave it up to Mother Nature and I was pregnant the very first round… talking about how she was meant to be with us!!!
We feel the same way. Such a tough decision, but then when #4 came along, it was like she was always meant to be! Enjoy your four sweet girls. Love that we have that in common. :) xo
A friend sent me this post, I am so glad she did! Right now my 3rd baby just turned 1, my other two are 4 and 2–so pretty close in age–my husband and I have always wanted a “big” family (not really ever giving it a number) BUT after my 3rd, I completely relate to the feelings you had after three. Then I also have all this internal emotion, because even thought I feel done, I want to want more. It’s good to hear your story and know that the age gaps can bring a new level of confidence. So for now I’ll just (try to) enjoy my three littles and know that maybe one day, I’ll be ready again…
Hi Ally! I know just how you feel. We always said we’d have “3 or 4 kids”, but I really thought we’d always have 4 for some reason. But after our third was born, I remember telling my husband that there was NO WAY I could possibly manage any more. They were all so needy back then at ages 4, 2, and newborn. I loved being a mom, but there were times where it was like I couldn’t get my head above water. No one was more surprised than I was when I started thinking about another baby years later. I was worried about the age gap and how I/we would do “going back to it all again”, but it really has been an amazing experience having one more after some time to kind of regroup. That little (five-year!) breather made all the difference for me. Maybe you’ll never feel that “pull” again like I did–or maybe you will. But either way, I think we moms need to recognize our limits and listen to that little voice inside our heads! It will all work out just as it’s meant to be in the end! :) Best of luck, and thanks for the note! So glad you found this post and my blog! :)
Love this – I had 2 healthy happy boys, 10 and 7 – thought it was all good at our place. And then (while taking birth control, beware :) I got pregnant with my beautiful Katie, my mini-me, my little soulmate. I couldn’t even imagine our family without her. I remember the first load of baby-girl laundry and how all those bright happy colors in my washer made me smile! They are 20, 17 and 10 today. Luckiest mom in Michigan (and one of 4 girls). Thanks, Christy.
Lisa, it sounds like your sweet Katie was just meant to be! I love that she came to you when you least expected it, and she changed your life forever simply by just being… Not only are you a lucky mom, but it sure sounds like you have some lucky kids as well! :) Take care and thanks for the note!
Hi! I just found out I’m pregnant with our third. And our girls will be almost 10 and 7 when number 3 is born. I’m concerned about this age gap. Wanting them to be close. Not wanting the youngest to feel like an only child when my older ones leave for college. How has this gone for you guys? Any encouragement? Thank you for this article!!
Our biggest gap is 5 years between our third and fourth, but it hasn’t been a big deal at all. Our older girls are SO INTO their youngest sister. She’s now almost five (!). We have found that our youngest really keeps up well with her older siblings and their friends, perhaps out of necessity. She just rolls with everything. And when our older girls are in college/out of the house, I think it will actually be really fun to just have my youngest at home. We will have so much more freedom in our schedule by then to travel and do fun things – and visit my other girls! I have found that it feels like a special gift to have one more after an age gap, despite my fears about that – you appreciate it all in a new way! And it’s a blast for the older siblings, too, because they’re old enough to enjoy it all. I hope that makes you feel better! It will be great!! Good luck!! xo
Loved reading your story. I have 4 children as well; 6 (girl), 4 (girl), 2 (girl), 7 months (boy). My husband and I knew 4 was our number. We got the same question of trying for a boy and he got frustrated each time it was asked. His answer was always no we hope for a healthy baby because all babies are blessings! I was a kindergarten teacher but now stay at home mommy. I often look forward to snuggling with my baby and spoiling him by constantly holding him. I feel like I blinked and the kids got older and taller so he is being “babied” as long as possible. I had emergency surgery while I was pregnant with my son and afterward decided on a tubal. I feel sad knowing he is my last baby because I do wonder what little blessing would have come next but I’m just enjoying all my babies as much as I can!
Hi Amy! Love hearing about your story! I think no matter how many children we have, there’s always that curiosity of who would come along if another little person arrived! I could have 10, and I’d still wonder about #11! :) (But I think I’ll stop my wondering at this point after 4-ha!) Enjoy all your cuties. Thanks for taking a moment to leave me a note!
Thanks for this! I am at the three kiddos stage and my youngest is turning two…I was so done, done, done…but now it is beautiful to see my eight and five year blossom into wonderful helpers and siblings! Also, thanks to people, like you, who write such positive and proactive blogs, I can see the truth of it. We all can learn from each other, and grow.
Jennifer, what a nice, special note this is! I appreciate it so much. Your words articulate so perfectly why I love this blog. Thanks for taking a moment to reach out. Take care and best of luck with whatever you decide. So glad you found me and my blog!
I’ve really enjoyed reading all of these comments! I have three children, 6, almost 4, and 2.5 (girl, girl, boy)! I have a strong desire to have another baby, but my husband does not! He reminds me that we need to be in agreement regarding this decision, and I believe that too! But I can’t shake the baby bug! I will turn 37 in June and feel that my time is running out! I’m the youngest of four so it doesn’t scare me to have four! I just wish there was something I could say to my husband to have him understand where I’m coming from! Thanks for your experience and perspective on adding a fourth! God Bless you!
Yes, that can be tricky when you and your husband aren’t on the same page about a decision of this magnitude. My husband was even more “done” than I was after three, so I never really even pondered the thought of having a fourth too much – but then when HE actually brought it up, that was all I needed for my head to start spinning! Best of luck with whatever is best for your own family!
I love this post! I just had my fourth baby 7 weeks ago and I am so in love! My children are 7 (girl), 6 (boy) 3 (boy) and 7 weeks (boy). I struggled a lot with committing to the fourth, especially since there was a bigger gap (3.5 years), but I echo your sentiments. It has been so much fun having the older children so excited and helpful! I had totally forgotten how much I love being pregnant and having a newborn. I too have given up on the “supermom” image, and I’m okay with that. I think when I had only 2, or even 3, I still felt like I had lost myself somewhere, but now that I have four I have realized that being a mom is what I love and all that I desire to be for now. I’ve enjoyed it so much that I wouldn’t rule out having another. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Hi Marcy! Congratulations on the new addition to your family! I’m so glad the post resonated with you. We have decided that our family is definitely complete, but honestly I feel like I could have one more, too! There really was something special that happened with my fourth (or maybe it was because I was an “older” mom at that point) – but it was like her addition “allowed” me to finally let go of the standard I had set for myself as a mother. I began to relax and just enjoy life (and my kids) more. I know you certainly don’t need to have four children to have this epiphany in life, but for some reason, her arrival was like an awakening in some way for me – now, of course, I can’t imagine life without her! Best of luck, and thanks so much for the note! :)
I loved reading this post! How true that you develop and change as mother with every child that is born. I need to ask you- where did you find the baby dress in the first picture on this post! I absolutely adore it! Please let me know! Thank you!
Hi Shan! The dress is from the Gap. (Not their typical style, really, but I loved it, too!) I bought it over 2 years ago, though, but perhaps they’ll have something similar again one day. I’m glad this post resonated with you somehow… thanks for the note!
I love love loved your article & can totally relate! It must have been the thing to have three & then wait a bit to have a third because I know several families with 4 children all around the same ages of my kids! :) I have three boys 11, 9, & 7 and a daughter 3. I remember feeling so crazy after having my third son especially because the youngest two are only 20 months apart & my middle son was so needy. Now I won’t say that we weren’t kind of trying for that girl, but I am so grateful for my 3 handsome sons & wouldn’t trade them for the world! After a few years went by I had the same yearning to have another child that you described. My husband worried that I just wanted to try for a girl & I said while that would be nice it’s not why I want another one. I didn’t like the dynamics of three & just really had a strong feeling that our family wasn’t complete yet. Now we have a beautiful daughter & our family is whole & complete. She is the apple of everyone’s eyes, especially her three older brothers!! Now my biggest annoyance is when people with one child see my family in action & say “I’m so glad I only have one.”
Aw, love reading your note, Amanda!! Our kids’ ages are almost identical. So glad you can relate… :) Take care, and thanks for taking a moment to comment!
Your post is beautiful. I feel much the same way!! I too struggled with the decision to have another baby. We had three children in three years. Two with horrible colic and reflux. I was running ragged and feeling overwhelmed. Then the youngest got older and I felt like it was time so we got pregnant. I worried about adding another to our brood but I knew it was right. Then I got sick. Very sick. Turns out that I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I may not have found it had I not been pregnant. This baby has been so different. He has given me the greatest blessing. Because I decided to have him my life changed drastically. I feel so different with this baby and it makes me sad because I know now that I most likely was having thyroid issues with my other babies as well and didn’t know it. I was feeling terrible and depressed and it kept me from enjoying my babies. I’m enjoying this new one like I never have before. And because of that I am seeing my other children in a new light. Cancer is never fun but this cancer gave me life. Because I got pregnant with my fourth I found the cancer and because I found the cancer I finally could get better and feel good again. And love my kids better than ever!
Wow, Carrie – that’s amazing!! Your last little one was meant to be for so many reasons. What a gift in every sense of the word!! Thanks so much for sharing your story. Another reminder to each of us to live our days to the fullest and make decisions that give us the best quality of life possible – which centers around spending time with our favorite people in it! :)
Thank you for this wonderful post. I’m expecting baby #2 in 6 weeks and needed this positive reminder. (I know it’s not the 4, 6 or 7th but even us “newbies” get discouraged at the prospect of adding another!) The hubs has been working crazy crazy hours and it’s been a hard lonely pregnancy. So thank you so much for this post! I can’t tell you how much I needed it!
Oh my gosh, Kaitlan, no matter what “number” you’re having, there is always emotion, stress, and transition!! I’m so glad this post about our fourth helped give you a little perspective as you’re about to welcome your second. Going from 1 to 2 can feel like a huge change (because it is!), so I wish you the very best! We moms can totally relate (my husband has always worked crazy hours, too, so I completely get the “alone” feeling!). Feel free to reach out at any point! :) Take care and enjoy your sweet baby who will join your family soon! xo
This was such a good article to read today. I was SO hesitant at the thought of 4 kids, last summer. I was DONE at 3. It was my husband who received “inspiration” about our 4th child. I couldn’t deny it….I tried every way possible. EVERY excuse/reason I could come up with as to why we should’t have a 4th was selfish. Finally, after much thought, prayer, discussions with family & friends and some deep soul searching…I decided to accept the challenge. I am now expecting, 17 weeks along now. My oldest is 6 and is VERY helpful and responsible. You are right, it does get easier. He’ll be in Kindergarten in the fall. I may never have to go out alone to grocery shop or run errands with 4 kids! Every excuse I made was irrelevant. Thanks for this article. It’s helped to ease my concerns and bring to light things I hadn’t thought of before.
Wow, Deborah, it sounds like reading this was just what you needed!! :) I have no doubt that your #4 will complete your family so perfectly. I constantly love all over my little one, saying, “What would we do without you? We’d be so lonely without you!” :) And we would. I can’t even begin to describe how she’s brought our already-tight-knit family even closer… and how her arrival has inspired me to take a step back and truly enjoy every bit of being a mother – especially during this relatively short period of time while they’re all at home. The time is already going so fast! I wish you so much luck! I’d love it if you checked back someday to let me know how it’s going! xo
I so enjoyed reading your story. I can relate to so many things you said. I am a mom of five which includes a 14 yr old son, an 11 yr old girl, a 5 yr old girl and 9 mo old girl and boy twins. After the 11 yr old, my husband and I determined that we just couldn’t handle anything else. She was so strong willed and tried every ounce of my patience which at the time was lacking. Besides that we had a boy and girl, what I thought was a perfect family. I had always said that I wanted 4 but I quickly changed that after dealing with this child. My husband was more adamant than I in the matter. Then six yrs later, God sent us a little surprise baby. I was wanting a boy really bas because I just knew that if it was a girl, she would be just as difficult as the last one. We became thrilled at the thought of this baby, as surprised as we were. We were definitely done. Then when she was about 3, we thought I was pregnant, completely unexpectedly. When I wasn’t, we were surprised to see how disappointed we were. Around this time, I had thought about another baby, wishing maybe for another boy but I knew my husband would never agree. When he was disappointed, I felt like I had an argument. So I began to talk about it and he would shoot it down. I just couldn’t get away from it. The Lord would put people in my path, with things that would speak to my heart along these lines. I kept feeling this tug in my heart and after a while, I marked it as the Lord making me willing for this. I told my husband this and he agreed to try. Now, I usually get pregnant right away. I mean RIGHT AWAY. It kept not happening and my husband decided in his head that at my age of 36 1/2, it just wasnt possible any longer. Well, within 6 mo, I was expecting. I found out a week before my 37th bday. When it was final, I thought, what are we thinking? I’m too old for this! Little did I know. So, I began gaining weight rather quickly. I was thinking that it was my fifth pregnancy, my age, etc… After a while, the thought entered that it might be twins, even though I didn’t really believe that would happen to me. I kept running into things that would make me think twins. Then my 4 yr old started telling me that there were two babies in my belly. Well, it came down to ultrasound week, five days before, and we were at a bday party playing a couples game of life. What did my husband and I have? Twins!! The whole table erupted because this twin thing had become a big joke with friends and family because of my inclinations and my daughter’s “prophecy”. Five days later, I lay down in the ultrasound room and as she places the wand on my belly I say, “please tell me there are not two babies in there.” Complete silence. …. then….”Well, I cant do that. Why do you say that? What made you think that?” Oh me, I started sobbing and saying, “oh Lord, help me, oh Lord, help me.” My friend was with me and she was saying….He will…He will! I cant tell you how I felt as this news sank in. No one would believe me. I had to tell everyone three times. To which they broke out in hysterical laughter. I laughed one minute, I sobbed the next. Not because I didn’t want it but why did God choose this for me. Does He think I can handle this? This crazy, take-on-too-much, overwhelmed, homeschool mom of three. It took me about a day to wrap my mind around it. My husband came home from work that night with a pack of Double Mint gum. Five pieces in the pack…one for each of us. We laughed and I cried and then we went out to eat to celebrate. Wow, the emotions of that day!! I woke the next morning to immediate, hot, tears, flooding from my eyes…..the only way I know to describe it. It was uncontrollable. I cried for an hour and then I got up and went about my day. I opened my heart to these sweet gifts and begged God to help me. There were many fears and overwhelming thoughts throughout the rest of the pregnancy. Health concerns doubled because of my age and multiples but God took care of it all. I had a wonderful pregnancy, gained only 3 more pounds than my preceding pregnancy, delivered without c-section at 38.1 wks. Babies were perfect, weighing 5.9 and 6.9. What a joy they are! I thank God daily that he chose me for this. Overwhelmed most days? Yes. Sleep deprived? A lot of days. Happy? More than ever! It has brought our family closer, taught my spoiled children more responsibility, brought abundant joy to our happy home. My mom comes most every day, even if its just to change a couple of diapers and wash some bottles. My parents moved a mile away from me a little over two years ago. I always say that the Lord knew I was having twins and would need my mom more than ever! As I stated above, the twins are now 9 mo. I finally feel like I am getting back in control of my life somewhat. It will definitely be crazy for many more years but I am adapting and changing and learning new things. God is good. He strengthens and helps me daily for this work that He has blessed me with. I wouldnt change where we are now for anything in this world. God bless! He is good….ALL the time!
Wow, Leah – loved reading every word of your story!! Thank you so much for sharing it with me – and with all of us! :) When we decided to try for #4, we knew there was a very real possibility that twins could come along, as they run in my family. While we were still unsure as to whether we could handle 4 kids – the thought of 5 kids made us even more nervous! But we finally decided that if twins came along, they would obviously both be a blessing and meant to be – and they would have one another close in age to share life with, too! What an amazing gift that would be. As things turned out, one little baby was meant to join our family, but I think it’s incredibly wonderful that TWO precious babies joined yours! Best of luck. You are blessed!! xo
Loved the post! We had #4 with an 8 year old & 5 year old twins (talk about worrying #4 was more than one!). Yes, people think we are crazy and I may be overwhelmed but life is better. I feel like our family is complete – even though our lone son thinks a brother would be a welcome addition!
Jaime, thanks for the note! Sounds like your life is full and happy! :) And I’m sure your son would love a brother – I have two older brothers (and no sisters), and I used to BEG for a sister… that never happened, but four daughters came along instead once I became a mom! :) I guess I got my wish after all in a way! Take care!