We almost didn’t have her. I shudder now at the thought.
Shortly after the birth of our third daughter, I remember thinking that I was so done. Even though I am one of those lucky women who has easy pregnancies (if there is such a thing), I was ready to put that phase of life behind me. I didn’t want to get big again. I didn’t think I had it in me to go through childbirth one more time. I just couldn’t take another round of sleepless nights.
And I certainly didn’t think I could handle being responsible for the life of yet one more little person.
This mom was MAXED OUT.
Looking back (when my third daughter was a newborn, and my other girls were ages 4 and 2), that was the hardest stage of my life, hands-down. With a husband who worked crazy hours and traveled incessantly, I was continually alone and yet never alone. The constancy of being needed all at one time by three people (and even the dog) often left me feeling suffocated. It seemed like I spent my days preparing food, feeding my (messy) kids, and then cleaning it up… only to repeat the cycle just as it finished. My daily life had become an exhausting circle of mundane repetition.
But it got easier.
Before I knew it, there were no more diapers to change. Soon they could all dress themselves, and they were becoming more independent all the time. They could help clear the dishes and make their beds. They would buzz around our house as a little unit (the beauty of having all girls perhaps?), and as they busied themselves, I found that I could actually get some things done now while they were even awake! One went off to kindergarten… and then another… I was finding more time for myself, time to catch my breath amidst the chaos of raising a family, and I felt like I was finally coming out of the fog that moms with young kids know all too well.
And then a crazy thing happened.
I began thinking about having another baby.
I couldn’t believe I was considering starting all over again. I mean, I was almost “free” since my third would be in kindergarten soon. What was I thinking?!
Even my husband, who was definitely more “done” than I was, seemed suddenly ready to add another little person to our family. In fact, he’s the one who first brought it up. That’s all it took. Him cracking that door open set my mind racing. (Some of his friends, meanwhile, were telling him to “shut that door! Shut that door quick, Buddy!!”) :)
Being the pragmatist that I am, I started pouring over the Internet, in search of parents describing what life was really like with four kids. I didn’t have much luck there, so I began asking those I knew with four (or more) kids to tell me about their experiences. (Did they feel overwhelmed? Was it impossible to get everyone to where they needed to go all the time?) I also spoke with older friends whose kids were grown and gone… did they ever wish they’d had more children? This was not a decision I (we) wanted to make lightly. Having another baby would change everything. Forever.
For months my thoughts swirled. Would I be able to handle four kids? What if I had twins?! Are we pushing our luck after being blessed with three healthy children? If we had a boy, how would that change our family dynamic? If we had a girl, would that create two “pairs” or would all four girls be close? How would our girls’ relationships change if we gave them another sibling?
But mostly, this thought consumed me: If we had one more baby, would I become a stressed-out, lesser mom to the children I already had? Was that fair to my three daughters? I often felt stretched-thin just among my three kids; how would I be able to give four children everything they need?
Despite my doubts, I kept feeling that pull… I just couldn’t shake the baby bug.
Ultimately, after much back and forth, my husband and I finally decided that if we were talking about another baby this much, perhaps something was left unfinished for our family. And then along came daughter #4.
She turns two this week. Now I can’t believe she was ever a question in our minds.
I feared that her arrival would coincide with me feeling like a failure as a mother. Surprisingly, she has brought me more peace than I ever could have imagined.
Compared to my first three girls where I was determined to be Supermom, I have done everything “wrong” with this one. As a newborn, she basically slept in my arms all night, feeding whenever she felt like it. Whereas I was once the schedule police, my youngest ate and slept at different times every day. When it was time to give her solid foods, I fed her fruits before vegetables (gasp!), and I never waited the recommended 2-3 days to see if she had an allergic reaction (she never did) before moving methodically onto the next food. Now as a toddler, she watches episodes of Dora and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse like it’s her job. And forget taking her to gymnastics or music classes. I only take this one to Target.
In many ways, her first two years have been a free-for-all, but she is a well-adjusted, sweet and happy little girl. And I know that I have never been happier myself; we have never been happier as a family. One daughter said recently, “Mom, I feel like we laugh a lot more since the baby was born.” She’s right – we do.
Having one last baby (after a 5-year gap) has actually calmed me as a mother, not the other way around, as I’d feared and expected. Even though there is obviously more to do and one more person to worry about (although the older kids are a huge help with their baby sister!), just about everything rolls off my back now. As a new mom, on the other hand, I’d been such a control freak that even the smallest mishap could rattle me. It’s so much easier to find the humor in the mess-making, food-throwing, and even the tantrums this time around. I know none of it will last forever; my older girls have shown me that. (When did my 11-year-old get so grown up anyhow?) I’ve learned to see past the exasperation and zero in on the entertainment of it all. I used to find myself so frustrated by the constant lack of cooperation (you can’t reason with a toddler!), but now it really doesn’t even take much effort to just shrug my shoulders at whatever catastrophe she’s bringing about.
Since my fourth daughter arrived, I no longer feel like I’m trying to prove to the world (or to myself) that I’m going to be one superstar mom. There is no Supermom, I now know. There are only women who are doing their best to raise good people. Perhaps that realization has come simply with age and maturity (and not because I had another baby), but either way, I feel like I have turned a corner on that front. I’m much more forgiving of myself as a parent these days. I once was paranoid about doing everything “right”, but I can see now that even when you do most everything “wrong” (as I have with #4), your children can still thrive. In fact, allowing them to see you make mistakes and not taking life too seriously is beneficial in its own right. There is more than one way to do everything.
Since my older daughters now pull me in so many directions with school and activities and life, it’s easy to feel like it’s all passing us by without a second thought. We often get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life that we forget to really live in the moment. Having a baby around again has changed that for me (and for all of us). The enjoyment she gets from the simple things is contagious. Her sweet request to play pulls me from the dishes in an instant. The laundry can wait if it means having her scoot backwards into my lap so we can snuggle and read a book. I will set anything aside to have her run, giggling, back and forth between my husband and me, as she dives into our arms on each end.
As a result, her innocence has also helped me to feel more in tune with my older girls. I make an effort to pause more to really enjoy some quality moments with them, even if that’s just having an extended conversation at bedtime. I feel like I have more patience with them these days, as their baby sister reminds me that they were tiny and helpless not so long ago themselves. I try not to expect quite so much; after all, they’re still kids, too.
Our last baby girl has truly been a gift in every way. I had been so worried about the stress and the responsibility she would bring that I had forgotten how fun it is to have a baby around. She has helped me refocus at this stage of my life. It’s almost like she jarred me awake (both literally and figuratively!), and I feel like she’s given me a new awareness of life’s most precious moments.
Getting the chance to experience it all once more in this lifetime – to feel her moving inside me, to hug her tight before laying her down in her crib, to watch her as her young eyes find wonder in everything she sees– it brings me joy that’s hard to describe. I find myself appreciating things like this in a way that I didn’t before. I feel like she was sent to me – to all of us – for a reason.
If you, too, are thinking about having one more baby, obviously your experience may be drastically different than mine. There are no parallel lives. When my daughter was born, her sisters were 9, 7, and nearly 5. (Perhaps this post might be very different if they had been 5, 3, and 1!) I can’t say enough about how helpful and happily involved my older girls have been, and I’m sure that’s partially why my experience has been so positive as I went from a mom of three to a mom of four.
With that said, there are certainly moments when I do, in fact, feel completely overwhelmed. The kitchen is rarely clean, and the amount of laundry this family of six accumulates is indeed impressive. We eat more takeout than ever before. I have yet to find a way to be two places at once or to grow another set of hands. My belly is even softer now after being stretched out and back yet one more time. But I don’t let these things bother me like I used to. They are the small things. One small thing herself reminded me of that.
Our decision to have one more baby really has changed everything for our family – for the better.
As a mother, I’ve never felt more content.
I’ve never known this kind of joy.
And I’ve certainly never felt more love.
…………………………
Read more of my “from the heart” posts here:
I Can Feel It Happening – My Daughter is Slipping Away
Hello Preschool. Hello Mom Freedom!
Thoughts on Moving: Missing Home and Finding it Again
Thank You Could Never Be Enough: The Liver Transplant that Saved My Mom’s Life
Don’t Be a Hater: Support Your Fellow Women
If you struggled with this same decision: what did you decide and why? What’s your experience been like? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below. I’m sure so many readers would benefit from hearing what you have to say!
If you’d like to keep up with me and my blog, please follow along via Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, or you can sign up for my monthly newsletter in the footer of my site! :)
Click here to see how we revealed our daughter’s name to her older sisters with a scavenger hunt. So much fun!
We have four (3 girls and 1 boy) but, we had little choice in it. They all came at the same time. It was a crazy first couple of years, but I honestly had that internal tug to have another. My sweet husband told me that he was on board with whatever I wanted, but I was really too afraid that there would be multiples again. Besides, we talked often about how four was a good number. When we went out while they were little, there were enough hands for us to hold hands with our kids as we walked. What would we have done with a 5th child?! LOL
Wow, Taryn! What a story. How special that they all have one another to go through life with so close in age. That’s amazing. Best of luck and thanks for taking a moment to share your story! xo
As a fellow momma of four girls…I agree! Daughter #4 seLed the deal! We have 17, 10, 9 and 5!!! She was just what we all needed! Thanks for sharing!
Love that you’re a four-girl mom, too! So fun! Thanks for the note. Sounds like we’ve had a very similar experience! :)
I also have 4 girls with the same age spread as yours! The first 3 are each 2 years and a couple months apart and the baby is 4 3/4 years younger than my 3rd. My oldest is about to turn 11 and the baby is almost 2. I too struggled with the decision to have a 4th but just couldn’t shake the baby bug either. Imidiatly upon having her I felt like our family was complete:) Even though I am super busy with the older girls activities and school ect having a baby is so much easier because of all of the same reason you feel. I’m much more relaxed about everything and we just ALL try to enjoy her:) My older girls tell me all the time that they are glad I had her:) It was crazy though when I realized at some point I will have kids in 4 different schools!!! AND we will have a child in our Elementary school for 20 consecutive years! Say what?!!? Love your blog:) I have read it a few times and just came back looking for the laundry sorter article……Holy laundry batman! Only another mother of 4 girls could truly comprehend the amount of laundry I do! I am very creative and not very organized so have to seek out ideas like yours:)
Thanks,
Kate
Tampa, FL
Wow, Kate, our kids are literally EXACTLY the same ages!! That’s crazy. My first 3 are 2 years and 2 months apart, and my youngest is 4 3/4 years behind #3! :) Like you, we realized our oldest will start high school the same year our youngest starts kindergarten – yikes! Yes, we moms of four girls do an insane amount of laundry – and there are usually multiple outfits in a day, too! :) So fun that we have so much in common – I love it! I’m glad you found me and my blog – thanks for following along, and thanks for the sweet compliments, too! Take care and enjoy those girls!!
Thank you for sharing. Although I just turned 20 and am so far away from getting married and having kids, I still think about it all the time. I can’t wait to be a mom and would like to be a mom like you – laid back and relaxed, because that really does reflect in your kids. Thanks again!
Thanks for the sweet note, Britt! I always looked forward to the mom stage, too! Once you get there, it’s quite a ride! :) Definitely the most rewarding – and challenging – thing I’ve ever done in life! I have no doubt that you’ll be a wonderful mom one day! Take care! :)
First time to your blog, and as a fellow Harvard Graduate, it is really awesome to see love for life. Thanks for sharing your blog. The quick story on our side is that we have 5 kids, our oldest started to leave the nest and we couldn’t imagine a time when we couldn’t share great family moments with little ones and teens. So after three years of false starts, we are 6 months pregnant with Baby 6 (Brady). I get the catholic / Mormon question a lot too, and for us it’s pretty simple as we were married in the Vatican. Thanks again.
Hi Joseph! Congratulations on baby Brady on the way! What a precious little blessing he’ll surely be – the perfect caboose. :) That’s amazing that you were married in the Vatican – wow! Your wedding pictures must be incredible. So fun to hear from a fellow Harvard graduate, too! All the best and thanks for stopping by my blog. I really appreciate the kind note!
I, too, really enjoyed reading your post and am so happy that having a fourth worked out for you. I also enjoyed reading others’ stories in response to your call for comments but noticed that no one posted who had decided NOT to have another. So I decided to post to add to the dialogue as someone coming from a different perspective.
We had been debating between one and two; I had always been leaning more toward one and my husband leaned more to two, but neither of us were completely firm in our choice. After having our little boy, we were thrilled and thought he was amazing but we were completely overwhelmed by the lack of sleep and sheer amount of work. We just couldn’t believe that everyone out there with a baby had actually gone through this!
We were also very lucky in that daycare was being provided by my sister-in-law who had a little boy eighteen months older, which allowed me the amazing luxury of returning to work with the knowledge that my baby was with a loving family member and able to play with his cousin. When he was about one-and-a-half, said sister-in-law decided she was ready to try for another and that, if we were going to have another (family members knew we were debating) and our plan was for her to continue providing daycare, she would like to have the two babies as close in age as possible. This was the catalyst we needed, so we began trying.
The first time took us about three months but this time it happened immediately. With my first pregnancy we had been so happy and excited but this time, while we were excited, we were also a little freaked out. It had happened so fast and we almost felt like we hadn’t completely made the decision to definitely do this… We thought we’d have a few months! Fast forward to our first ultrasound and my pregnancy is what is referred to as a “partial molar pregnancy.” (The short description of this is that two sperm fertilize the egg at exactly the same time, which results in a “fetus” with three set of chromosomes. Meaning it will never develop into a baby, hence being called a “mole.”) We were sad but not devastated; after all, we had a perfectly healthy baby, we knew we could carry to term, and we knew it could have been a lot worse. But the problem with a molar pregnancy is that you are susceptible to developing uterine cancer and weekly blood tests to test HCG levels are required. Meaning, you can’t get pregnant again until your levels drop–in our case, about six months.
That six months was just what we needed to really reflect on whether we wanted another baby for us or if we were trying to provide our little boy, who we would do anything for, with a sibling. We started really evaluating and also began noticing the people around us with multiple children. I am sure they derived much joy from their children but many didn’t seem to be having much fun. We saw a lot of stress and, frankly, a LOT of strain on the parents’ relationship as well as some seriously lacking divisions of labor. The forced wait also, unfortunately, was making the length of time between siblings get longer and longer, impacting the whole we-really-want-him-to-have-a-sibling-close-in-age argument.
Ultimately, we decided that, for us, one beautiful, wonderful little boy was plenty. We didn’t need more. And while we recognized right up front that there is no limit to the love you can give children, there is a limit on other resources: attention, time, energy and money. We don’t need to divide our attention, we can spend dedicated time with him, we have the money to travel (only one additional airplane seat!), and the energy to keep up with him. We also feel that our marriage is stronger and that we have a deeper commitment. We made the best decision for us and we couldn’t be happier. I love that you and so many are happy with your choices and feel so blessed but, for those who are debating the decision, I wanted to offer a differing perspective. Again, kudos on making such a great decision for your family and best wishes for continued happiness!
April, this is the most beautiful, thoughtful, heartfelt note – and one that is so diplomatic without passing judgment on the choices anyone else has made. I’m not sure if you have seen the post I wrote here after I was criticized by a reader for choosing to be a stay-at-home mom despite my Harvard degree, but it’s this type of respect for one another’s choices that I discuss and encourage. There is no one “right way” to do anything in this world – each person, each couple, and each family is different. And that’s what makes this world so special. I’m so glad you and your family are happy and healthy. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and another perspective! I know I enjoyed reading it, and I’m sure others will as well. Take care! :)
Hi I love your article and it has really inspired me. However, I wondered if you might comment or if any of your readers have been in my same situation. I am 41 and have two kiddos boy (14) and girl (12). My husband and I have been married for 17 years and are super happy. We love our life. We always thought we just wanted 2 kiddos. However, as the kiddos are getting older and for the last 3 years are so we have thrown around the idea of having a third. Now its “crunch time” because of our age. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation with a large age gap and a bit older parents.
Thanks!
Hi Jen! My friend here is about your age and has twin girls – they are 12. She just had a baby girl, and they are all over-the-moon in love with this baby!! Another friend has a 16-year-old son, an 11-year-old daughter, and a daughter who just turned 2. Again – they all can’t get enough of their youngest! Obviously only you can know what’s right for you and your family, but from our own experience, having one more baby really pulled us even closer together – I have honestly never been happier in my life. But at the same time, you will become limited again in some ways. For example, that ski trip or going white water rafting won’t work for a little one! We really weighed a lot of the pros and cons over and over – it’s a lot to think about… health (you/the baby), finances, daily life, travel, how will it affect the older kids/your marriage, etc. We obviously decided to go for it because we were afraid of having regrets later in life, but that might not be the best choice for every family. All I can say is that my heart explodes with love for our fourth, and I wouldn’t do anything differently – we laugh more than ever before. I honestly can’t imagine life without her – it’s weird in a way to me now to think that having her was ever something we questioned or doubted. But of course she’s here, and I’m going to feel that way now! Readers – does anyone have any insight they can share? Best of luck, Jen!! Whatever you decide will be the “right” decision for sure! xo
AS a MUCH older Mom—I am 56!—I had three kids—the first two are “Irish Twins” at 13 months apart—with a 4 year gap to the third–Boy Girl Boy. There was a LOT of flack from our families about having an unexpected third–Is the time EVER really PERFECT? Do you EVER really have ENOUGH money?
Well–I had always thought I wanted more but after Number 3–who was like having several at ONCE–and some health issues for both kids and Mom–I gave that up. But–
I always teased Number 3 that I was going to have a Replacement Child if he did not behave!
FFWD a few years and Baby Number 3 went off to college–at age 16. Shock to Mom’s system. My daughter married young and had a baby girl. By chance both my husband and myself and our best friend all happened to be in the delivery room–and this child has had sort of “Communal Parents” ever since! They live with us and the little girl–now almost 8!!!–is JUST like that pesky Uncle she “Replaced”. We have been known to even call her by his name! And the two of them–altho seperated by hundreds of miles—are very close. There is also now a small boy in the family who will turn 4 in a few days. These two have helped me get thru some very serious health issues–who knew a 2 yr old could run an at home IV machine!—and make my day brighter every day.
Sometimes–you get the kid you want and need–you just don’t always give birth to them!
(Course–I have a friend who planned on 4 but says that Baby Number Three is the REASON they DON’T have Baby Number Four—!!! LOL!)
I know this is an older post, but I found it today, and would like to thank you for writing it. I have recently worried, like you mentioned in your post, that if I have more children I’ll permanently become the stressed-out, always running late mom that I feel like on my worst days. And yet, for some reason, I notice the idea of more children lingering. I know that it’s a very individual decision, but thank you for describing how one more child made you a better mother. Such a helpful and encouraging post!
I’m so glad I found this. Just like you, when #3 arrived we had a 2 year old and it oldest had turned 4 the week before. Our youngest is now 4 and I’ve been thinking more and more about another. My husband thinks I’m crazy. I haven’t been able to shake the desire for another. I’m so happy to see that I’m the only one to feel like this. Now to just get my husband on board. :)
You are a talented and gifted writer. Thank you so much for so willingly sharing your story with truthfulness and with positivity. Finding this article felt like an answer to the prayers of a kindred soul who happened to be scouring the internet looking for validation that I wasn’t crazy for thinking that baby #4 could be a possibility.
Thank you so much for this article! It truly hit home with me and made me feel so much better about the choice of expanding our family!!
It has been so good to read your posts and learn about you, thank you for sharing! I am the oldest of a four girl family and have been equally blessed with a truly special 4th child, so can totally relate with your experiences. Our gap was much wider and dramatic as we had a 16 yr old son, 14 yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter when our youngest daughter was born. She is the sunshine in our life and to say she’s rocked our world is an understatement. From the minute my sons laid eyes on her in the delivery room, (yes, I said delivery room – all 3 olders were there) they are forever changed as young men and I know will be better fathers and husbands as a result. My older daughter has learned true patience and the joy of sister love and I really couldn’t imagine our family without her. Her sweetness and innocence give us a much needed break from some of the crazy realities of our fast paced busy older life and helps keep us grounded to what is truly important, family.
Now a mom of a 23, 21, 16 and 7 yr olds I can say that your realization that there is no Supermom is completely right and the sooner we all recognize that in each other, the better and easier it will be for everyone. Raising good, kind, compassionate gender and color blind people is the goal and there is no one right way to do it.
Thank you again for sharing and for the place so say my few words :) “Choose to be happy” will now be what I strive for each day. I cannot think of a simpler more perfect way to live.
Christine
I was relieved by your comforting words until you said,’it might have been a different story if they were 5,3 & 1′. Mine will be 7,4 & 19 months! I can do it right? Piece of cake xxxxx
Oh no – sorry! Yes, of course it will all be great!! Something about that fourth just mellowed me out – I began to enjoy being a mom in an entirely new way. You will love having one more – best of luck!!
I know this post is 10 months old… but THANK YOU! I really needed to read this today! My two children are 11 (girl) and 8 (son) and last night my husband opened that door about a 3rd (I think he was joking), but now I can’t think of anything else! I’ve wanted another for so long, but couldn’t seem to get him to agree. Now I still don’t think he’s sure, but I just can’t feel anything but that it’s the right thing to do!
Hi Harvard
I have really been drawn to your website these last few days since pinning one of your articles… it was to do with organization, and I must tell you, you have really drawn me in with the inspiring ways you have run your household, your family – your life, basically!
Since reading your first article, I have happily chucked many items from my main closet, pantry and kids rooms, updated and organized my pantry, labeled all shelves in my medicine cabinet, and even night one of those scarf racks to DE clutter a drawer in my night table! And this was only on Friday! (today is Saturday… not bad!?)
But continuing to read on, I really enjoyed some of your other articles, and today sipping my coffee, I stumbled upon your story to have your fourth. First off, God bless you! You have a beautiful family and just from reading your blog, it seems like you have crazy, but amazing household – never a dull moment.
I two am a mother, but of only half of what you have. Although, they are both boys (4 and 6), I don’t know what its like to raise girls, but I have a feeling that two boys is the equivalent of 4 girls in girl years! Having said that, I love being a mom of boys and wouldn’t change my two for the world. I often contemplate about having that third. I have the same worries you mentioned in your article; will they be healthy? Will I have half of the energy to provide to these guys? Am I insane?
On the other hand I think, ‘what if I got that baby girl?’. But this is where my question lies; I want to be able to provide for my family a very good life, and fortunately thus far we have been able to do so. Both my husband have well established careers, a nice home. Thankfully, we are never without. But I worry a lot about the future. Not just to provide them with the best clothes, toys and food, but to put them in different sports, music, tutoring – whatever hey want and need.
And that’s not even thinking about paying for university if they decide to go, or weddings if they decide they want to marry, or a car when they can drive – this is something I know they totally will decide to do! I want to be able to provide for my kids – all of them, and I wonder sometimes, how do parents of 2 or more do it. I know you are a stay at home mom, and I’m definitely not prying ad to what your husband does, but if you can advise me as to how you budget so that all your girls have the same opportunities of doing extra curricular activities, I would love to read about it. Just having both my kids in hockey is a crazy amount of money. But I failed to mention I am writing to you from the north (Canada), so hockey is a must with most kids!
Keep up with your great post. I am also an inspiring writer, so you have definitely left an impression here with me. God bless.
Hi Harvard,
I have three childen, my daughter who is 12 and twin boy and girl who are 8. Since the middle of last year Ihubby and I have considered adding one more to our broad. Fortunately I fell pregnant in November only to miscarry at 6 weeks. Since then I have had an intense yearnng to fall pregnant again. I am 37 years old and questioning whether it’s my body saying I am done or if I still have a chance. Thank you for your article, it has made me very hopeful.
Hello,
I loved your article. I am pregnant with our second son, and I really want to have two more children, but am a little discouraged by the cultural negativity surrounding having “so many” children (even the Pope seemed to rip on some Mom who is on her 8th child – granted, after 7 c-sections). It’s too early to tell if we will carry through – but, I was mostly encouraged because my oldest (and only at the moment), son is VERY clingy and, it makes me question if I have what it takes to raise…well, 2, but, also, eventually 4. I just got started taking my 2 year old to classes and JUST got him napping at scheduled times, and the beginning of potty training. So, I worry a little. Because of my age, I would have to have the last 2, 2 years apart from now so – no giant gap to the youngest. But, I hope we would have a smooth transition like you! I wonder if it’s different with boys.
I have 3 boys age 4,5, and 20 months. I was ready to be done after the 3rd. They are such a handful. Plus I’m the owner/director of a daycare in my home. Then my husband and I felt like there was a little girl waiting to come into our family. At first I was scared but felt really confident. Then as months went by I thought of every reason why I couldn’t have another baby. Very much like the thoughts going through your mind! My husband was probably more scared than me but whenever I asked if he was still sure, he’d say yes. Then last week I was talking to my best friend, a mom with 5 grown children and her excitement was contagious! She was reassuring and promised to help me however she could. She said that once I held that baby in my arms, all my doubt’s would disappear. With each baby I remember waking up every morning with them next to me and feeling like it was the greatest feeling in the world. I look forward to that. So here I go, jumping in with both feet (though it feels like jumping off a clift, not sure how far the drop off is!
My husband and I have 3 children. We both had children at an early age in different relationships. He had one at 20 years old and I had 2 before my 23rd birthday. We came together after our failed relationships and have been together 11 years now. I had my tubes tied after my 2nd pregnancy and we still had many things we were dealing with such as ex’s and personal baggage, so having a 4th child was never something we wanted to add to the mix. Now with our kids being 21, 15, and 12 and our baggage is empty and things being better than they have been, both emotionally and financially, my husband and I really want to have one last child together. My children have begged for years to have an ours and the drive has become almost panic for me. I feel like there is someone missing. I have had the same recurring dream about a little brown eyed girl for 6 years and I’m starting to feel like I’m running out of time to find her. We are going in to the IVF clinic in a week and I want desperately for them to tell me we can start right away and in 9 months we will all feel complete. Not realistic but my whole family wants this so badly and this is the first time I have ever felt the “bug”. Not sure what to expect in the IFV process. I just feel like we are all on a fast moving train where no one knows what the destination is, but we all know that we have to board it anyway and just see what happens.
Wow, Danielle! Your note gave me the chills! I wish you so much luck as you see where your “train” takes you! For what it’s worth, I know many, many couples who have had success with IVF! Best of luck. :)
I am really glad I found your blog and will continue to follow. I am mom of 7, 5 and 3 yr old, boy, girl, boy and struggling with decision to go for 4th and looking for inspiration. I know we can do it but with two working parents (I’m only 4 days with decent hours) it will be challenging. I also wonder if it will impact my oldest in negative way. I’m #2 out of 6 kids and absolutely loved it growing up and we are still close to this day. In the end I think the fact that I think about it 24/7 is sign from God that we should at least give it a shot and let him decide. IUD coming out next week.
I am so glad I found this. The questions I have been skinf myself are some of the same you had when considering having a fourth. We have 4 children now, 3 boys and a girl, ages 8.6,4,2. Now I am having this urge to have one more . I can’t seem to shake it but then I ask myself can I handle that, will I be able to give enough attention to everybody and be able to do things with everybody ? Our friends are all done and done with babies so will we not be as involved with them if we start all over? Do we want to go through the night feedings and all that comes with a newborn? After I had our fourth I said I was done, even gave away my maternity clothes haha. Yes it will be busy, but you know we are already busy and I honestly think having a baby would make things slow down if that makes any sense. I am 33, turning 34 this year and I also ask will I have enough energy for all this? It made me feel good to read this and I thank you. I just don’t know if I want to close this chapter of my life yet you know?
Thanks for this post. I have 3 kids 6.5, 4, and 18 months. I thought I was done when I had my last baby my daughter. But, as I am getting older and feel my fertility window closing, I wonder about the fourth baby. I have gone back and forth and can think of every reason to not have another, except a deep instinct that longs for a baby and possibly a baby to even out . . . I really enjoyed your article. Very relatable for me.
We had three children and my husband was ready to try for a fourth. I was unsure because I was concerned about finances. One day while in the parking lot a woman came up to me and said, “God only asks that you do the mothering. He does the providing.” I took that as divine intervention and we went ahead and conceived the fourth. He is a delight no regrets.
Additionally, we are currently considering a 5th baby. This time at the shoe store an associate came up to me and said, “Families with the most kids have better behaved children. You see parents of one or two and the kids come in here and tear the store up. Parents of more children don’t have that happen.” So I told her we were contemplating a 5th, then she said, “I say go for it. You know the verse God won’t give you more than you can handle? Well if he provides you with another, then you can know it won’t be more than you can handle.”
Thank you for your incredible post! You’re a seriously talented writer, which is refreshing. I found this post when looking for posts by mothers of four children. They’re hard to find! I really enjoyed reading about your experience. You were able to articulate a point that I haven’t been able to – having my third has made me so much more relaxed and appreciative of my older two children. It is really amazing! It feels wonderful to enjoy my kids instead of almost exclusively focusing on doing everything “right.” I do think the 3.5 year age gap between my twins and my youngest helped. I hope we have a fourth and continue to enjoy them! More than anything else, I can’t wrap my mind around how I will get everyone to wherever they need to be when they’re older!!
Thanks again for the excellent post! I’ll start following your blog now
So sweet, Alex! Thank you!! Best of luck to you and your sweet family! I’m so glad you found me and my blog! xo
OMG I am pregnant with my 4th and my kids will be the SAME ages yours were. It is so nice to read your post. I have the same fears you did and it’s good to see how well it worked out for you. I just couldn’t shake that 4th baby bug, so we went for it.
Congratulations!! Our fourth has completed our family is the most perfect way. I can’t imagine life without her now. Best of luck!!! xo
Nope. I have 3 kids and my husband has asked about a fourth. No. Our youngest is six and there still isn’t any part of me that is interested in having more. Pregnancies and childhood medical emergencies have taken their toll. I can’t do that stage anymore. I might foster parent or adopt a child later. But I can’t see myself going through another pregnancy or cope with the baby stage again.
You are truly a blessed mom! God bless your family! And may your little ones grow to love each other.
I have 4 children. 15, 13, 5, 4. As you now know, having 4 kids is a lot of work & feel like a crazy person to even consider having a 5th child, but I just can’t imagine not having one more. I’m not ready to close that chapter of my life, I cry multiple times a week thinking about possible never experience pregnancy again, never experiencing sonograms & feeling my baby kick, and of course the miracle of delivering the baby. I worry a lot about what other people will say as my husband & I already get so many looks for having 4, but I know I shouldn’t care about what others think! We have the money to support our children & plenty of love to give! I just can’t decide if I should give into my urges for another one. I loved the blog!
I have three girls, and just googled “should I have a fourth baby?” and this came up =) Thank you for your inspiring article!! My girls are 5, 3.5, and 16 months – I am SO in the same boat as you with 3 girlies close together (all born within 3.5 years), and a husband that works crazy hours and is away 4 nights a week! I have spent the last year announcing why we are NOT having a 4th baby. And yet…. I look at the baby pictures and remember the joy of bringing a new life into this world. I wonder if you having a large gap made the difference between chaos and joy? I was thinking a 3 year gap, which brings me to 37 and hubby to 40… Hmmmm do I want to willingly enter this chaos again???
Thanks for writing this post. I have three boys, ages 6, 4 and about to turn 2. I keep thinking how I want to have another baby, but the past two years have been so hard yet wonderful that I don’t know how I’d ever add another to the mix. However, I feel like maybe when the youngest is 4, just MAYBE it will be time. Love hearing your story. And yes, I’d be super happy to have a 4th boy, despite the remarks of many ppl saying, “Would you ever try for a girl?”
I really enjoyed reading your article! We always planned on having four children but by the time my spirited third child came along I said that I was done. kindergarten. My husband got a vasectomy because we were so done! My oldest DS is 11, my DD is 7 and my 2DD is 5. My DH and I recently started having the feelings of wanting that fourth child and how he/she would bring so much joy to our lives. We have an appointment to get a V reversal soon:) We are a little crazy but I think we are making the right decision. Your article made me think of all the fun times that are going to be in our future! We are very busy with school, different sports and dance but I think my baby break will be more like 6 years…and I’m ready again! Thank you for sharing your story!
Best of luck!!! :) And you’re not crazy! You only live once, so I believe you have to follow your heart when it comes to big decisions like this!
Ahhhh thank you for writing this!! You articulated so many of the things running through my mind as I consider a 4th baby. We have 3 busy boys who are 9, 6, and 3 and I was “so done” after that last one! All of the baby and maternity stuff is gone! Yet I can’t shake the thought of possibly another one. I worry about exactly the same things you mentioned…. Will I have enough time for everyone? How will it change family dynamics, etc. but probably the biggest question is “will I regret it?” either way?!? I figure chances are that I will not regret having that sweet baby, but I might regret not at least trying!
Agreed!! That’s what it finally came down to for us… we were afraid that one day we would regret not going for one more after all the back and forth and indecision. So glad we did! Best of luck! :)
Hi HH!
I am positive that is by pure fate that I stumbled across your blog tonight. My husband and I have three happy, healthy boys. Our gratitude for these precious beings is pure and real! When I got pregnant with our third child, we said boy or girl…we are done. And so this very spiritual journey has begun for me…
The exact moment that our third son was born, I felt pangs for another child. I wasn’t sure if it was because my birth plan did not go as fully desired or if I just wanted a girl or if I thought having four children was a product of my intense overachievement. I reflected, consulted research on “the perfect family size”, looked for answers within and outside, but there is no exact science. It is what is in my heart that counts. Every Fall we do a family photo shoot. I go crazy with outfits and the perfect location, but every year when our photos return, I feel that someone is missing. This feeling is so real and raw, I often cannot find the exact words to describe it. In many ways it does not make sense for us to have more children. We like luxury…cars, clothing, items…I love to shop and we both know that adding another is costly, but I know I would trade it all for a complete family
For the past four years and sadly two miscarriages later, the pangs are still ever present. My husband, not a huge supporter of four, has said from day one that if the absence of another child causes me great distress, he would say yes to another. He is amazing in every way and has embraced the idea of four. I feel so blessed that we are in union together!!! Unfortunately, the loses I have had (three previous to the last two) are likely a result of some genetic abnormalities of which I didn’t discover until the last two were tested. I have been back and forth about seeking and utilizing medical interventions because I only want one more, because I have three naturally occurring healthy children, and finally it is costly…I still like things.
I’m not positive what we will do, but I do know what is in my heart and apparently it is that same feeling that was in your heart and the hearts of the others that responded. I pray that someday I will hold our fourth child in my arms and have the same clarity and peace that goes along with it. Thank you, thank you!!!
Wow, what a story! I wish you the best of luck. And just know that in the end, your family will end up just as it was meant to be! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Take care… xo